My Boyfriend Thinks He Has the Perfect Plan For “Our” Money. Absolutely Not!

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column.Have a question?Send it to Athena and Elizabeth here.(It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m having an issue with my boyfriend that I’m not really sure what to do with. We just moved in together, but we keep our finances separate. Each of us is responsible for an equal number of bills and we send each other the amount we owe. It is a little annoying, but we make it work. We generally pay for our own stuff, except for special occasions. We recently started talking about marriage and my boyfriend mentioned getting a joint account. I’m fine with that, in general, but when he mentioned that he wanted us to put enough money in the account to cover everything we spend in a month except savings and things we buy strictly for ourselves (clothes, body products etc.). I really don’t like this.

I’m a fairly frugal thing and while my boyfriend while not bad with his money, spends way more on things I consider frivolous. He goes to more expensive stores. He will buy multiple dishes when we go out, and take the extra dishes home to eat sometimes just for a snack, not even as a meal. Sometimes that food is stuff we can easily make at home or buy in the store for much cheaper. He buys a lot of things new, like his most recent car, that I would never consider buying new. I brought this up to him and he got kind of upset. He knows how I like to spend my money, but he is trying to sway me to spend like him. For example, if I go out to a restaurant and want two things, he tells me to get both of them, try each, and then take the one I like the least home for lunch the next day.

I’ve told him multiple times that I don’t spend my money like that. He says we can afford it, and technically that’s true, but I’d like to save my money to put a hefty down payment on a house or maybe take a lot of nice trips in the future. I don’t want to waste it on buying stuff I can make. I told him all of this and that I would consider the type of joint account he wants if he would cut back on spending his money so easily. Like maybe instead of getting a quesadilla to take home from a restaurant, he could get an extra side of meat to take home and make the quesadilla himself. He was not willing to budge on this and says I’m controlling how he spends and his plan would be far easier. I told him I don’t care how he spends, I just don’t want my money being spent in the same way. We are at an impasse. Do you think I’m overreacting? Am I asking for too much? Should I just accept that this is how most Americans with good incomes spend their money?

—Frugal Fighter

Dear Frugal Fighter,

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I’m not sure why your boyfriend is so insistent that you put everything you spend each month into a joint account. It makes sense to have one account for recurring expenses that are defined (regular bills, rent or mortgage, etc.) but given your different spending styles, I think trying to put all of your expenses into one pool and assuming he’ll spend responsibly is asking a lot of you. You’re not controlling how he spends; you’re controlling how you spend.

You have a few options: One is that, should you choose a joint account for everything, you create a budget for things like food and eating out and stick to it. If your boyfriend views the joint account as a pile of money that can be spent however he likes, he’ll likely spend it down every month. If he has or can develop the discipline to stick to a pre-determined budget, a joint account for everything can work.

Otherwise, you should use a joint account to split fixed expenses (expenses that don’t change month to month), and work out the variable expenses as they come. You shouldn’t be coerced into paying for a big restaurant meal you don’t want, and he shouldn’t have to deny himself that every time because it’s not how you’d spend your money. You both need to accept that you have different attitudes toward spending and saving and work out a compromise that does not involve policing each other’s behavior on that front. You do not have to have the same spending styles, but you do need to be on the same page about what you both pay for—including big-ticket items, like a car, that you would jointly own.

Your boyfriend is correct that his plan would be easier, but that’s because it involves no budgeting or restraint at all, and that’s not a reasonable argument for doing it. There is no platonically good way that people with decent incomes spend money. It’s highly individual. Some people prefer to spend on dining out and experiences, some prefer to sock away money for big purchases, and it boils down to how you think about the kind of life you want in both the short and long term. If you’re going to get married, you need to be on the same page about that, first and foremost, and if you are, the right solution to your conflicts about money will be more readily apparent.

For questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try submitting toCare and Feeding!

Dear Pay Dirt,

What is the etiquette for tipping at a high-end restaurant? I recently got a new job that was a major promotion over what I previously had. I thought it would be 10 years until I saw this kind of money. The thing is, every so often, I’m asked to go out to very expensive restaurants. Our city is probably slightly above average for the cost of living, so before this, I was used to spending about $20 to $30 on a meal out, without alcohol. Now, I’m going to restaurants where meals are regularly $100 to $150. So far, I haven’t had to pay, my boss has, but I think at some point, I’m going to have to. I used to be a server, so I don’t want to stiff anybody, but these expensive meals aren’t any more work than the cheaper ones. Am I really expected to tip 20 or 25 percent? Our table for the night lingered for about two hours and the bill was over $1,000 total. For one single table, that server getting tipped 20 percent made more than a lot of people make in an entire eight-hour day. I know serving is hard, but this frankly seems ridiculous. What is the etiquette?

—Reasonable Tipper

Dear Reasonable Tipper,

I disagree that the expensive meals aren’t any more work than the cheaper ones, but leaving that aside, you are still expected to tip 20 to 25 percent. The servers in high-end restaurants are often there because it’s a career, not a stepping stone to another job. They have to go through more training, learn more about the food and wine, and are held to a standard you probably were not. Some of them may have moved cities to specifically work with a particular chef or hospitality group. If it seems effortless to you, it’s probably because they’re good at their jobs.

But even if that wasn’t true, the etiquette is the same at a high-end restaurant as it is at your local greasy spoon. If you’re not willing to pay the total, with tip, and you’re the one picking the restaurant and hosting, then you should choose a less expensive restaurant; not under-tip the servers at the higher-end ones.

Want more Pay Dirt every week?Sign up for Slate Plus now.

Dear Pay Dirt,

A few years ago I started an online support group with several other women working in a very male-dominated profession. (Sorry, I have to be vague here.) While many of us are employed at big agencies, others are freelancers, who we’re happy to share gigs and resources with. We operate under the agreement that what is said in the group stays in the group, and that it’s a safe space to seek advice. There is one younger member, who we will call “Amy.”

It recently came to my attention that Amy is related to a colleague we’ve all dealt with before… who has been very difficult to work with at times. One member of the group expressed frustration about their communication style. I made a joke about them having a micro-managerial streak. Amy chimed in to say they were [extended] family, and nothing more. Since then, said colleague has gone ghost on a project with me, and I have reason to believe Amy might have tattled. I feel a little regret for sharing that, yes, but also anger, as we’ve commissioned Amy for freelance work when she needed it. How should I address this?

—What Happened to Girl Code?

Dear Girl Code,

You’ve really offered no evidence that your colleague ghosting you has anything to do with what she knows about how you feel, much less that Amy is the source of it. But even if she was, being in a support group doesn’t mean she owes more loyalty to you than family, even if the norm is that what’s said in the group stays in the group.

So first, unless you have proof Amy is why the colleague you’ve already admitted you don’t like to deal with has ghosted you, consider that you may be being wildly unfair to her, and secondly, if she did mention it, it doesn’t mean she didn’t deserve the freelance work you commissioned—which wouldn’t obligate her to say silent while you criticized a family member. And it sounds like she mentioned her relationship in the group so that none of you would say anything worse, which might put her in a compromised position.

If you’re concerned about the project where your colleague ghosted you, ask the colleague directly what happened, instead of speculating. There may be a good reason and you may be working yourself up over nothing.

—Elizabeth

I have been dating a man now for eight years who is a loving, awesome person in many ways. He adores me, and he treats me like a queen. The problem is that I don’t want any of it anymore. He struggles with alcoholism and anxiety, cannot hold down a job, and still lives like a college student just scraping by, despite being in his 40s. I decided four years ago that he’s not what I’m looking for, as a divorced mother of two, despite his many good qualities. But because of all these issues, mainly that he has no money, he stillhas not left my space.